My journey to get pregnant was a difficult one, at one point it almost seems futile and I was almost ready to give up. This is the first time I have written this down, to express how this whole experience truly felt.
WHERE IT ALL STARTED
3 years ago everything in my life changed when I had my miscarriage. It was the most painful and heartbreaking experience that I have ever felt, but with this darkness, it also showed me the light. It gave me clarity on my priorities – I wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world.
As a woman, you feel it is your genetic right to be able to conceive and have a baby. However, for some of us, it is a much more difficult journey than others. I know some people will think that I am being mellowed dramatic and they will say statistically miscarriages are quite common. I am sorry to say, for those who had never experience this should never comment on this matter because you have no idea how it feels and the pain it causes during this difficult time.
The pain of loss and guilt was overwhelming. Even though early miscarriages normally is not the mother's fault, but it is incredibly hard not to feel guilty when it happens, after all, you are the one who is carrying the baby. Even though at the time, I thought I have dealt with the issue well and didn’t let it affect me. Deep down I knew that this scar will take a long time to heal and it did. Every now and then I will catch myself analyzing the situation and wondering if I have done something to cause it.
For the first year, both my husband and I took it easy. We weren’t too worried, and just thought we will go with the flow and see what happens. We were still in our early 30s, so our chances of conceiving were still very high. Then one year have passed and nothing. The second year came and went, and still nothing. By this time, we were using the Clear Blue fertility machine and trying every month during my fertility window. We were optimistic at first, as my friends who used it got pregnant quickly after, however, that was not the case for us. Each month was just another disappointment, every period was just a painful reminder that I still wasn’t pregnant.
By the third year, we gave ourselves a deadline. If we weren't pregnant by December, we would try IVF. This wasn't our ideal method of conceiving as it is costly and it is not guaranteed to work. We saw different doctors for advice and did various tests to see if IVF was necessary. Unfortunately, neither of our results was ideal, which just dampened our hopes of ever becoming parents.
Every bad news and results we got, was weighing down on me like a tone of bricks. At times, the emotional strain was unbearable and incredibly frustrating, especially when people around you are getting pregnant left, right and center. I found myself feeling very conflicted, as I was genuinely happy for my friends but disheartened that I still wasn't.
After listening to various friends and family's advice, I started seeing a Chinese doctor. As they all highly recommend it, and by this point, I was happy to try anything. My first Chinese doctor experience was disheartening. The doctor I saw is a man and wasn't the most sensitive person when it came to handling my emotions. I still remember his exact words to me, as it was like a knife to the heart.
"You....your body is so weak. It will be challenging for you to conceive,
and even when you do. It will have miscarriages very easily."
Ouch, right? Trust me, it took all my energy to hold back the tears so I wouldn't break down right there and then. I don't think the doctor meant to be malicious, he was just very typically Chinese and blunt. Even though the consultation was horrific, I still went ahead and tried taking Chinese medicine. After all, I was already halfway through the door, I might as well go all the way and try this method out. For the first 3 months, every time I saw him the result was the same. It was demoralising, not only did I not see results, but every time I saw him, he will say something discouraging which really got me down. For most people, they would probably have stopped trying this method, but for some reason deep down I know this will help, so instead of giving up, I decided to see another Chinese Doctor.
THE TURNING POINT
I have 3 'angels' who helped me during my pregnancy journey: my current Chinese Doctor Dr. Hui, My friend Jan and her teacher Mohana. All these women gave me hope when I needed it and helped me in a way that I never know possible.
My First Angel
Dr. Hui is lovely, Chinese medicine isn't the most appetising thing to begin with, so every little help. Compared to my first Chinese Doctor, she is a breath of fresh air. Not only is she warm, motherly and caring, but she is ever so encouraging which is just what I needed at that point. When I first saw her, I wasn't expecting good news, but to my surprise, she was very optimistic.
Not only did she say my body was in decent shape, but she told me with the correct medication, my body should be ready in a couple of months. This was the first time in 3 years that I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, with a glimpse of hope that I will get pregnant. After only seeing Dr. Hui for a couple of months, my period was regular, and she was confident that my body was ready.
My Second Angel
Jan is an unexpected angel, I have known Jan since I was 11, and little did I know she will be such an important part of this journey. She is the one who introduces me to Reiki and started to open up my mind to the world of spirituality.
I knew Jan is a Reiki Master for a year before I plucked up the courage to ask her to do Reiki healing on me. I was always curious, but also slightly scared and wary about it at the same time, as I wasn't sure what Reiki was all about. She explained it to me various times, but it all just went over my head.
I went into the session with zero expectation. Honestly, I didn't even know what to expect. My frame of mind at that point was, Fuck it - let's give this a shot. Worst case scenario it doesn't work, but at least I have tried it, and boy was I glad I did.
My first reiki experienced was an eye opener, we worked on blocked chakras that I didn't even know exist. Surprisingly my most blocked chakra was my Sacral Chakra, which is situated around my womb area. The whole experience felt like an in-depth emotional therapy session, which was much needed.
I honestly felt a lot lighter after, like the weight I was carrying around have finally been lifted.
My Third Angel
My third and final angel is Mohana. I have only met Mohana once, but my Reiki session with her was transcendent. Honestly, I cannot wait to go back to Bangkok to do another session with her.
My session with Mohana was otherworldly, where we dove into my past life and worked with issues I had there that is affecting me in this lifetime. For those who do not believe in Past lives will probably clock out by now. I know it is a hard concept to grasp and to digest, but if you are open to this world and experience, it is the most exciting thing I have ever experienced in my life. I will talk more about this in my upcoming posts.
After 3 long years of trying to conceive with various alternative methods, I finally got pregnant. It was one of the happiest days of my life when the pregnancy test indicator turned positive. I wanted to jump up and down for joy and screamed at the top of my lungs that I am finally pregnant!
I want to use this blog to share my experience with you. To document the highs and lows of this whole process and to let other women out there know that you are not alone. This might be a painful and infuriating time for you if you are still trying with not prevail, but don't give up, you will get there at the end.
Thank you very much for reading my story. I hope for those of you still trying, this blog will give you some hope that it will happen for you too. Be open-minded and open to new experiences and methods, they might surprise you. It did for me, and I hope they will be for you too.
Sending you love and positive thoughts,